Top 5 Things to Know when Relocating from Boston to LA

Since the Celtics will be busting down the door and then promptly taking over the Laker’s house tonight around 6 ‘o clock pacific time, we thought that we had better write a little something up for the Celts so that they are suitably prepared for the city in whose face they are about to relocate.

So here is our list of things to consider when relocating from Boston to LA:

  1. In LA, people use R’s in their words when they speak. No one in LA would speak with a “it all stahted back in Nahway way back befah the King of England had his head up his…” accent. People in LA are from all over the place, so no one really has an accent; they do, however, share a specific speech commonality. It is not so much that Los Angeles citizens have an accent, but it’s  more of a “I have no idea what I am talking about,” kind of thing going on.

    Instead of beating the hell out of the English language in describing with diligent detail the history of all the characters from the neighborhood, someone from LA will not talk about anything empirical (i.e. something I can point at or look at or can remember pointing or looking at) for 45 minutes and, even though they themselves have created this loose arrangement of ethereal premises and conclusions based on their own assumptions, will still be wrong.

  2. Boston is famous for being a confusing city to navigate; since it is was established way before cars were invented, the streets and alleys form a byzantine network of transport paths and many people, even those who have lived there, can easily get lost. In Los Angeles, it is virtually impossible to get a lost because getting lost requires actual movement. There is so much traffic in LA, that everyone is in the same spot at all times and that is where they all live… in their cars.
  3. Say goodbye to Italian food. It is impossible to obtain this on the west coast so do not even try. It is about the same advice you’d get after a bad relationship. Just move on, forget about it and don’t for a minute let it enter your head that you can’t live without it. Now, you will be eating Mexican food, Chinese food, Japanese food, Thai food, Indian food, Vietnamese food and all sorts of weird combinations of those cooking styles. So kiss your Chicken Pahm grinda goodbye.
  4. On the other hand fast food is good in LA. There is a place called In-N-Out Burger. Instead of going to church on Sunday, you will now have this.
  5. There will be no seasons. Now, there are some who believe that this is a bad thing, and they point to the seasons as being important insofar as they signify a certain cycle of life, or constitute an annual reminder of how all things develop and eventually diminish and that this is a valuable realization because it grounds people and bestows upon them wisdom. These people went to college in LA. See point 1 for droning on about things that are first of all impossible to evaluate and second of all, most definitely wrong.

    Every day will feel like it is the last day of 5th grade and it will be gloriously warm and beautiful. If someone from Boston tells you that they enjoy the winter as much as the summer they are either a masochist or someone from LA spreading sophistry designed to keep parochialism alluring so that more people don’t move to LA and traffic doesn’t get any worse. You’d betta get it right outta ya head if you think you know how many people are trying to drive to the beach on the last day of school.

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