How to Get a Bird out of Your Apartment

It’s okay to be afraid of birds because they evolved from dinosaurs. So there is really no need to feel silly while screaming like a schoolgirl when you encounter a winged beast en route to the shower; evolutionarily, your reaction is vaguely in line with how the big species battle played out. Of course, cavemen didn’t get to become modern men by letting the howling fantods force them from rational action, so let’s lay out a plan.

First, you’ll need a towel, though not the one you are wearing. Adversarial conduct is best conducted not in the nude. Grab an old towel that you lifted from the gym that serves as a mop.

Second, let the bird get comfortable. Of course the bird is going to be flipping out, he’s just basically gone from flying through the sky into a funhouse maze, and one that needs a thorough cleaning, at that. Go make some coffee or even take a shower, let the bird fly around a bit; it may fly back out the window (best case scenario) or at least find a perch so it can collect it’s pea-brained thoughts.

Third, approach the bird cautiously, but don’t creep towards it like you are sneaking up on it because the bird can definitely see you from 4 feet away if it also spots prey from a mile in the sky. Casually walk by and the fling your towel over it before it can take off, wrap that guy up and throw the towel and the bird out of the closest window. If you are agile, you can kind of bounce the bird off the towel in the correct direction by grabbing both ends of the towel and pulling it taut, but for beginner to intermediate bird catchers, it is best just to toss that baby out there with the bathwater.

Fourth, Clean up bird poop because he definitely crapped himself when you were chasing him around.

people, dogs with targets on their heads


Other great excuses for coming into work late are:

  1. My toilet overflowed and I had to fix it.
  2. My roommate missed his bus and I had to drive him to the airport.
  3. Daylight savings time.
  4. There was excellent surfing this morning and it could not be passed up.

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