How Not to Throw a Holiday Party at Your Apartment

All year long, I never get invited to any parties. Then, as soon as December hits, it seems like everyone wants to throw a big end of the year Holiday Party. In a 3 week span, there are so many party plans that hosts end up negotiating and competing to secure the nights that they think will bring in the most guests.

This year, that sweet spot was the second Saturday in December. The rules seem to go something like this: Fridays are not desirable, because after a long work week during the season of shorter days and longer nights, Fridays become more of a takeout and movie night rather than “carpe noctem” kind of night.

Furthermore, since there are only 3 viable weekends to choose from, conventional wisdom (based on the Goldilocks and the Three Bears Theory) holds that the first weekend is too close to Thanksgiving and has the least chance of snow, the 3rd weekend is too close to Christmas any may leave people snowed in, but the second weekend is just right because provides rare lull in the hectic end of year schedule and there just may be a light dusting of snow to get people in that festive holiday spirit.

Be advised, be very advised that securing this ideal day can backfire on you even when precautions are taken.

When throwing a holiday party in your apartment building, it is necessary to be aware of your surroundings. You have neighbors, you share walls, and no amount of holiday generosity or eggnog can change that fact. Consider this, as it is important to act in a neighborly fashion so that a night of revelry does not interrupt or distract your fellow tenant’s lives.

In keeping with this belief, we did a few things to ensure our neighbors would maintain their Mr. Roger’s-like opinion of us:

  1. We alerted the landlord, telling her when the party was expected to start and end
  2. We told her to call us if at anytime we were disrupting other tenants
  3. Since our apartment building has an outer door (as most do) we stuck a big arrow sticker pointing to the correct buzzer so that neighbors wouldn’t have their doorbells ringing all night.
  4. To contain noise, we closed all windows that face the courtyard and placed the subwoofer on a surface what would absorb and redirect vibrations away from the floor

Despite our best efforts, this is the letter we received the following morning:

Hi Matt,

I told you if there’s any aftermath I would let you know. And oh boy, was there. First of all, it was more people than expected and way too loud. Even with all the windows and doors closed, we could hear everyone shouting, singing, stomping, etc, in this building and next door.

You said I could call if it got too loud, and that you would have your phone on you all night. I didn’t want to end the party, so I waited for everyone to leave. However, when it was 4 something and the music was still going, I had to call you to ask you to turn the music down. You did not pick up either time. The music did not stop till 6 am. That was when we finally got to go to sleep.

Some people had entered up the roof. You know that is strictly forbidden, as detailed in the lease. The neighbors will call police if they see anyone on the rooftops as since no one allows anyone of rooftops, it would only mean a burglar or homeless is up there. Anyone going up the rooftops compromises the safety of the waterproofing abilities and is therefore strictly prohibited, as outlined in the lease.

We had no problem with you guys leaving a doorstopper in the gate, but when your guests left, they were unaware of its presence and many tried to shut the gate hard. Some had repeatedly slammed the gate so hard we were afraid the gate would pop open again.

This was the loudest, longest, most vomit-filled party we had ever seen in our building.

J******

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