Homes Before Bros: Your Guide to Bachelorpadom

Bro: you’re out of college. It’s time to drop those corny Smashmouth posters and come to terms with how bad you are at Smash Bros because today we’re going over how to upgrade your apartment.

Men’s magazines (I’m looking at you, Maxim) will try to tell you to drop a boatload of cash on stuff you don’t need. It’s simple, really. Besides some basic tenets like cleaning up after yourself and having your mom do the laundry, the keys to any great bachelor pad are technology and the three F’s—fashion, furniture, and food. Oh, and plenty of scented stuff. Women love scented stuff.

First, let’s talk tech. No more jerry-rigging your computer to watch the new episode of Glee. No…what you need is a nice flatscreen. And while your bros will probably implore you to “GO FOR THE 66 INCHER” or “PROJECT IT AGAINST YOUR NEIGHBOR’S BUILDING LOL,”1 it’s important to remember the sentiments of your ex-girlfriend: size isn’t everything. What you should be looking for is the right TV for your space. Follow the viewing distance calculator to find the ideal setup for you.

And the same logic applies for sound systems. Don’t be that guy who annoys everyone in the building with some ludicrously-sized subwoofer. Instead, keep things clean and stylish with a soundbar and receiver with ample inputs for the things you actually need like a Blu-ray player and your camera or phone.

Now the three F’s. Nothing is more frustrating than seeing a grown man rocking button-downs with embroidered griffins on them. Make sure that fixing up your bachelor pad includes upgrading your closet. Pare yourself down to the right essentials—good shoes, better-fit clothing—and keep that lumberjack beard in check. The popular news crowd-sourcing website Reddit has a section geared to male fashion advice: embrace it.

Back in college, a stained, over-sized armchair that you found 6 streets away from your apartment probably qualified as furniture. Now you have more discerning tastes and your apartment should reflect that. Look into a chunky sectional couch to compliment your living room: they’re big enough to cram tons of people onto and make watching episodes of Project Runway with friends a breeze. And yes, despite being a Japanese marvel, your futon has to go. Get a bed big enough for two.

Having a well-stocked kitchen seems like an important compliment to your Saturday morning underwear-donning scratch and sniff sessions. And any good bachelor pad should be stocked to the brim with the essentials like beer and frozen pizza, right? Wrong. I recommend keeping your kitchen lightly stocked with healthy options and a few spare bottles of wine and beer on-hand. This is important because you need to maximize your Whole Foods exposure. Why? Because Whole Foods is where the honeys shop.

Speaking of honeys, the last thing required of any serious bachelor pad is scented stuff. Thought I was joking? No one likes your man-stink. Grab yourself a reed diffuser and forget about it for months. This will ensure your apartment will smell like First Rain despite the fact that you haven’t left or changed clothes since the last rain.

1 Actual conversations.

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